I'm beginning to think that God has lost my address....

Hello........anyone there........oh hello God, *drops to knees* Ummm its me.....yeah the short girl from kent.....do you remember me?

Sometimes I feel like God has lost my address...I often feel like I've been forgotten. I mean if i have, its understandable I mean he is looking after a LOT of people..but sometimes I ask myself..what about me?

This question comes to me often when it comes to my acting. When you decide to become an Actor you are setting up yourself for a lot of disappointments, a lot of tears and often a lot of "giving up" moments. The problem with those "giving up" moments is that for a real actor, I mean, a real passionate, can't do anything else, this is my life actor these moments don't last long. Then the vicious circle begins again. You get a call from your agent and find out you have an audition.....*drop to knees* Say a prayer "Lord let this be the one"....You have a GREAT audition....you await the phonecall.....you get a callback....callback goes GREAT.......you await the phonecall.........Agent calls and says its between you and someone else.......*drop to knees* Say a prayer * "Thank you lord...ahhh please let this be the one"........You await the phonecall........Agent calls and says "Sorry, they decided to go with the other girl" *pause*.

Usually in that moment the disappointment sinks in, it usually feels like a tight knot in the stomach and you just wanna go to the office of the casting director and ask them why? You wanna cry but then you feel silly because you know its not gonna change anything and almost within a second you ask yourself "Why the hell did I pick this job?

For me I usually need a whole day to drown in my sorrows....a day to have a one on one with God and ask him why I never book the job that I want? Why did I pick this job? Why was I even given the desire to Act?

.......I don't usually get a direct answer but over the past year or so I've learnt something. God will never give you something that you can't handle. How can I appreciate a job if I haven't gone through a range of disappointments?

My dad taught me to Change disappointments into Experiences and then Change experiences into a Success. If I don't have experiences what story will I have to tell?

So in the end I have realised that God hasn't forgot about me, In fact he is moulding me. He is making me into a woman that will have a story to tell to encourage others behind her, a woman that can trust in him and have faith in what she cannot see, a woman that will get to the top and stay there because she knows how hard it was for her to get there.....

My heart VS My head

Me vs Mr.Bigs...My Heart vs My head...Love vs Lust?

Is it true that if you think about someone every time that you wake up, its love? Is it true, that if you can’t handle looking into his eyes without your heart beating 100 times faster than normal that its love? Ok ok is it true, that if you can’t breathe every-time you think of the possibility that he could love someone else, that its love? Or would that mean that the girl that is experiencing all this is crazy?

I always thought that he was the one, from when I met him, I thought yep, this kid is the one, he just doesn't know it yet. But now I have to take in the fact that maybe he isn’t. Okay so if he isn’t why won’t he get out of my head? They say out of sight equals out of mind....Okaaaay.....but why didn’t this genius think of a phrase for if this person isn’t out of sight but needs to be out of mind?

Maybe I need to check into rehab, maybe i’m obsessed, maybe I just don’t like change, maybe I just keep thinking that one day he'll wake up and think i'm the one, maybe i've watched this episode waaaaay too many times......



My heart constantly leads me to him but my head keeps telling me that its not gonna ever happen...so which one am I supposed to believe? Real love isn’t supposed to be like this, this is how its supposed to be...He loves you, you love him, you agree you both love each other then you jump...........................................with hope the other person catches you but your not really thinking about that because your just enjoying the fall!

It may sound like a fairytale but look, its not supposed to be....He loves you, you love him, you both agree then he says that it can’t happen....who bloody wrote that film...would you see that shit? I wouldn’t see that shit! Its just not right!!!! So maybe it isn’t love at all, maybe its lust...Maybe he loves me but he’s not IN love with me?


Alright cool, I can live with that...its not so bad. *Pause* You see my head accepts that but my heart is having difficulties handling that new data. But Eff it! Its MY heart and it should do as I say...

Dear Heart,

Mr.Bigs is just a friend, you love eachother but in a friendly kind of way! One day you’ll both find people that you’ll fall madly in love with.....maybe Mr.Bigs has already found that person. Either way you need to woman up and be on to the next one, got it?

Yours truly,

Your owner

Dear Plain Jane, Do me a favor and purchase some mac or a weave.......

This blog is probably a bit random and maybe off topic from what i’ve been usually talking about but here goes.....

I have a real problem with girls that do not appreciate make-up and weave. Don’t get me wrong I think that natural beauty is a wonderful thing but lets be honest its boring. Once you get to a certain age I’m gonna need you to switch it up a bit, a ponytail will not do.

Now of course i’m not saying that everyday you should leave the house lashes popping, weave bouncing with louboutin heels but in saying that I feel like as a woman you should know the time and place.

If your going out to party with your girls, why do you choose this day to be plain jane? No-one cares about your “natural beauty”. If you don’t have good hair, own it, embrace it and throw on a weave. Why embarrass yourself, no-one needs to see how bad your hair is apart from your hairstylist....Throw on some eyeshadow to brighten your eyes, some blush to heighten your cheekbones, its okay!

Look, Its all very simple. While your at home being “Plain jane” your boyfriend is cheating on you with a Diva...i’m sorry but its true. Trust me, I know. Men are liars. They like to talk all this garbage about how they want a girl with all natural beauty, minimal make-up, no weave and blah blah blah *side eye* Hunny unless your caucasian, indian or literally have AH-mazing hair how about you delete that theory and throw on some remy! Its not a bad thing......at all!

I used to talk to a guy and for the purpose of this blog I’ll call him “Mr.Purple” and he literally hates weave...so everytime I went to see him I left my natural hair out...*sellout*...I just didn’t feel like myself, I felt so basic, I just couldn’t work it but in conclusion we didn’t work out...I hear he is now with a mixed raced, LONG HAIRED, EYELASH POPPING chicka......Need I say more?

My point is this, there is a place and a season for everything, if you can work the whole natural hair look then do it but if you aren’t as lucky and you look BORING..don’t be scared to throw on a weave and let that inner video vixen be free. Not everyone can be Amber Rose....Period! xoxo

Mr.Right...Where are you? I guess for now I'll settle for Mr.GoodForRightNow

For the past month and a half I've been trying to understand this whole theory about Mr.Right. Who is Mr.Right? Where do I find him? Does he still exist? Is he someone else's Mr.Right? How many Mr.Right's do you get in a lifetime? These are the questions that I've been pondering in my head......

I used to be a fan of MrSoCalledRight, but then MrSoCalledRight effed me over so now i'm gonna settle for Mr.GoodForRightNow. He's the guy that is everything that I need him to be. He may not be what I want but at least he appreciates me and wants and is willing to be with me...at least he isn't constantly pondering in his head whether i'm worth leaping for ( not literally) but you get my drift.

Mr.GoodForRightNow equals The guy you settle for till "MrSoCalledRight" is ready to be Mr.Right. He is the good guy, he's the one that calls you when he says he will, replies to your bbm messages, wants to take to you out all the time, calls you in the morning just to see if you slept well...he's the guy that you would THINK is the perfect guy....Right? He's everything that "Mr.SoCalledRight" isn't.

Logically, Mr.GoodForRightNow should be Mr Right, he sounds amazing but why is that never enough? Why does the asshole always seem like the better choice when it comes to the heart. Everything that Mr.GoodForRightNow is doing is perfect but I just often wish that MrSoCalledRight is the one doing it instead....but he'll never do it..so why do I still think about him at least 10 times a day?

I finally understand why they say Good guys always finish the race last, I feel like we've come into a time where us women are accustomed to being treated in a certain way...when a guy is being too nice, we question it, we wanna know why? whats the motive? Is he just trying to f**k and duck...But could it be that he just knows how to treat a woman? Could it be that he just knows that taking a woman out doesn't only consist of Nando's and cinema (-__-). Mr.GoodForRightNow should be the guy that i'm thinking about 10 times a day....he should be the one that makes my heart smile...maybe i'm just not grown enough yet to turn Mr.GoodForRightNow into Mr.Right or Maybe in my head Mr.Right is equivalent to Mr.Perfect...But Mr.Perfect doesn't exist.....So maybe Mr.SoCalledRight isn't so bad....maybe he's only bad because he isn't Mr.Perfect....

OR

Maybe Bad guys are still catching my eye.............Confused much? Yeah me too :-S

Its never too much when you are living in the moment..

I just had the most amazing heart to heart with my girl and I can say that I have had an epiphany. We spoke about numerous things but i’m just gonna touch base with what hit me the most. I’ve realized that I when I like a guy, I pull back and don’t allow myself to realllyyyyy live in the moment. I’m always thinking to myself “Oh I can’t do too much, he might think this and that but you know what .....Eff that shit! I happen to be a cutesy person and I think that its time that I start showing it. So what if I decide that I want to make the guy I like lunch to take to work, so what if I want to plan a whole day of random stuff, so what If I decide that I wanna get him tickets to a car show because I know that he loves cars......

I feel like us ladies spend most of our time seeking out opinions from our girls and we get caught up in this whole “ Don’t do too much, he needs to wifey you first”. Whats the point? If he never “wifeys” you it means that he’ll never know what he could be missing out on...

I think its funny that somehow its okay to have sex with the guy that your seeing but it’s suddenly too much to make cupcakes and take it to his workplace or make lasagna because italian is his favorite food. Why why why is that such a bad thing?

I have learnt the hard way that when you don’t show what he could be missing out on they’ll be nothing to miss! For the past couple of weeks I have been under the slight impression that a certain woman was better than me simply because she did all these little extra stuff that I didn’t and now she’s with who I wanted. But then I realized, that woman is not better than me. In fact everything that she did was not out of my element at all. I just didn’t want to do it or shall I say that I was....maybe too scared?

Its never too much when you are living in the moment. Worst case scenario, it doesn’t work out but then why am I thinking about that on the 2nd date?

I’m not saying that the way to lock down a guy is by cooking him up a storm and taking him out. But what i’m saying is this, if your dating someone you might aswell enjoy every part of it and get the most out of it. If he makes you smile, its okay to make him smile too.

So from today I solemnly declare that I will no longer pre-meditate that me and a guy will not be official and pull back everything that I have to offer but I will go with the wind and if he makes me smile, I will also make him smile :-)

You have money....Ok and?

Now some guys have me all the way messed up because they are under the slight impression that somehow them having money makes them something to write home about. I have and never will be interested in guy JUST because he has some money in the bank. Don't get me wrong I respect the hustle and yes I admit that a guy offering to take me to Blue Elephant instead of Nandos may be more appealing at first glance......But it takes more than a few bank notes and tailored suits to win over my heart.

From a very young age I was taught that there is more to a guy than just money and ever since then I have always looked at the heart and vision. Its important to me that a guy has a clear understanding of what he wants to do with his life. When my dad met my mum he had nothing. No car, no gucci, no g-shock.. On top of not having much, whenever he did get something he would use it to buy my mum gifts because he always wanted her to look good. All he had at that time was an amazing heart and a vision and thats what my mum believed in.

Thats one of the reasons why I love my parents because they taught me that there is more to life than the glitz and glamour. So many women have married men because of how much they have and now they live very unfulfilling lives.

But lets be serious, if your boyfriend has money in his account, is it yours though? Do you have a debit card with his name on it?

Even if you do have a card, when you break up, what do YOU have?

Stop chasing guys in tailored suits and look beyond it. Our eyes could be opened to so much more if we looked beyond the flash and looked at the heart and the vision.

Get your own chickas that way him having money wouldn't be more than just extra information.....

Wait a minute..........I'm having a drake moment..

Melanie fiona- It kills me- I love this song......

This song is so beautiful........Cherish is so underrated!

OMG!!!! I've never called him baby *shock face*

Ok so today I was laying in my bed with my bestie and we were just talking and then she randomly asked “When do guys genuinely start calling their girl “baby”? When she asked this, I really had to think about it. Obviously I can’t speak for men so I had to switch it up and ask myself “When do I genuinely start calling the guy i’m seeing “baby”?

*Pause*

My girl was saying that its usually when she really likes the guy it just comes out naturally. I personally think that it comes from a level of comfort and security. You could be seeing a guy for about 2 months and although you may have kissed and so forth you may not reaalllyyy feel that level of comfort. You know? I just feel like saying stuff like “Hey baby, how was your day?” comes from really feeling like “YES! He is MY baby”. So if that’s the case......is NOT calling the guy your seeing “baby” an indication of whats going on underneath all the kisses?

This may not seem like a big deal but when I think about it, I never called Mr.Bigs “baby”. I can’t deny that I didn’t have strong feelings for him, I mean I can go as far as to say that I really four letter worded him. But I never called him “baby” like ever! This is because I never felt like it was just me......because it wasn’t. We weren’t in an official relationship sooooo I guess the term “baby” didn’t seem applicable. To be honest there would be times that I would want to say it but it just didn’t feel right.

Maybe sub-conciously I always knew what the deal was...........

So does that mean that what I thought we had wasn’t really what we had?

Could something as small as “baby” be the strongest indication of where the "relationship" stands..........?

Wait a minute..........I'm having a drake moment..

We can't go back now! UK stand up!!!

After watching "Luther" i'm completely blown away and filled with so much enthusiasm and passion. The acting in this show is amazing! Idris Elba has proved that not only can he be excellent with an american accent, he can be even more excellent in his own land. Indira Varma is breath taking and I am officially a new fan. If BBC do not renew it after the 6th episode. I will go on a rampage. I haven't been this excited for a british show since Misfits!

....On to the next one......I think :S

I woke up this morning and it felt like it was gonna be one of those days where I wanted to feel sorry for myself and say to the world EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF LOVE!! I'm riding solo for life! I started with listening to this song Christina Millian- It hurts when....



I won't front, I nearly wanted to cry, I felt like she was singing on my behalf. From the verse to the chorus and bridge I felt like she had been reading my diary. I was slowly riding into depression when it came to me......

Mr.Bigs is enjoying his life, probably doing God knows what with God Knows who and i'm here getting ready to drown in my sorrows. Why should I be the one that isn't loving life. i'm not a bad person, yes i'm dramatic but not BAD!

So I asked myself......what do you do, when the person you "love" is in lust with someone else? Yes I said "lust' i refuse to say love until I see a ring *folds arms*

Anyway....

Do you:

1. Have faith and hope that he will come back to his senses?

2. Surpress all feelings, get your head out of the clouds and keep it moving.....

3. Go on an aimless dating spree so you'll forget that he ever existed?

Neither of those answers seem applicable, i'm sure my best friends would advice me to go with 3 but then if I did, would it be fair to the guys i'm dating?

When do you make the decision to stop loving someone, is that decision really in our hands or is that something that we leave to fate?

People say that in time, things will heal but what happens if time isn't moving fast enough?

Well Shit, a chicks gotta eat...... :S

To be honest, like entirely honest, I don't really like dates, especially dinner dates. The whole awkward silences sitting opposite eachother makes me feel so uncomfortable. But in the past couple of years I've been taught a thing or two. One being, "A chicks gotta eat". At first I thought that it was just wrong, I felt like I was using the guy and leading him on. Oh how naive am I? The theory is simple........"A CHICK NEEDS TO EAT". I have learnt that most of the time when a guy asks me out on a date, he is expecting something at the end of it, which means he is basically using me anyway, not to say that he will get anything but its cool to let him think he will *confession*. Don't get me wrong i'm all down for the whole "independent woman" thing but lets be honest inbetween the paychecks funds can be low. So why not endure bad conversation and awkward silences and leave with a full stomach. I say AMEN to that!

My first Love

Wow! I'm actually nervous right now, to think that someone somewhere could actually be reading what I'm writing is pretty scary. I've always shyed away from blogging because I've always had a thing for privacy and my thoughts and figured that it was too exposing. But NOW i've decided that I should be able to share my thoughts, I mean why not? I'm always driving my friends crazy with my random thoughts and theories soooo maybe I'll have someone somewhere agree with me............or maybe not! HEY I guess its worth a try! Anywhooo now that I've released my feelings on blogging please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rita Balogun and I am an actress *puts hands in the air* *No-one claps* Ok Ok so i'm guessing your trying to figure out if you've seen me in anything and if not then why have I called myself an Actress so confidently. Well you are what you call yourself right? If I call myself an Actress, I am an Actress, I may not be known......But Acting is what I do. Its my obsession, I study it, I practise it and I live it on a day to day basis. Its my first love so to speak.
I named this blog "Confessions of a diva" not because i'm a diva per-say but because we all have a diva inside of us and i'm letting the diva in me be free so these are my confessions.... okay I totally just made that up, I just liked the sound of it...*blushes*.
I love reading, I love my blackberry and I have a lot to say, most of the time, but for now I've run out so till next time, stay fabulous and thank you for reading :-D xoxo